I'm on a prank show, huh?

Some of the gems I've heard from students this week...

Student: When I enter my name into the spellchecker, it says "You've made a mistake."
Me: At least it doesn't say, "You're parents made a mistake."
Student: (Blank stare.... blank stare... light bulb!) Oh... hahaha... That's pretty funny.

Student: I know you're not supposed to help me because this is an on-demand essay, but is this long enough? (show me laptop screen with what appears to be four sentences separated into four paragraphs)
Me: Well, you could always remember how many sentences are supposed to make up each paragraph.
Student: Oh yea... three to five... But if I add any more on, it'll just, like, make them run-ons, you know?
Me: I didn't say add onto the sentences. How many paragraphs should you have?
Student: Five; intro, three body, and conclusion... But I only have four.
Me: Exactly.
Student: (looking at me like I am the one who is confused) Well, I'm writing my essay about pencils. So I'm not really sure what else you want me to write about...
Me: You were told to write about an important invention, and since you chose pencils out of ALL inventions EVER, it seems you thought you'd have at least three good, strong points to make about this important invention.
Then she just walked away, back to her world.

Student: What score do I need to get to pass?
Me: 236.
Student: So I passed??
Me: You got a 235... so...
Student: Yea, but you said if we were within a few points, they'd give it to us.
Me: No, I said they'd give you another try.
Student: ........I don't get it.
Me: You can take the test again?
Student: ..... That's stupid.

Student: Is this written in a different language?
Me: What?... No. Why would I give you something written in a different language?
Student: Are you being serious? Can anyone else read this?
Other students:... Yea...
Student: I think you're all lying. I don't even know what this letter is (points at paper).
Me: It's an "s"... a cursive "s."
Student: Oh... I don't know cursive.


These are all teenagers aged 15-19. Sometimes I am convinced I am on a prank show, and somebody is going to jump out and say "Gotcha!" when I look so surprised by my students remarks.